TOFU gathering at jas's aunt's hse for CNY. some of them bought their gf/bf along.
had great time today.
lady luck was by my side. and of course thanks to lester teaching me the strategies.
had won about 10 plus today. hehe. happy. its the first time i play and win money =X

camwhored really a lot with them.
its been more than a month since i last met them.
hmm, let's say majority never chnge much ba.

was kinda disappointed that eq sort of forget me. oh well. cant be helped.
sometimes i really wonder how important am i to them.
true, TOFU too big alr >< very hard to gain attention and really understand them one by one.
maybe i just needa accept the fact that it cant be everytime people only give attention to me.

this yr jia hui left tofu and is not joining us.
hope who are remained inside will always be together.
knowing you guys is one of the best thing that happened in my life.

friends aside, i sort of neglected my baby today.
didn get to talk to him. too engrossed with playing cards and hanging out with friends.
sorry baby. its nt that i dont miss you. jus that i wanted more time with them that's all.
really sorry my dear. i love you. hope to see you real soon.

got a chance to meet baby today due to his medical check up.
feels so happy to be with my darling.
being together to forget about reality. or something like that.
it just feels real good to have him by my side.
how i wished time could stop.
i really dont want him to go away.

seems kinnda funny. as though my boy is going for a war or something and not coming back.
but the feeling is somewhat lik that ah.
plus field camp really makes me feel very drama.
is lik those older days where the guy go for war and no news from him. -.-
and the feeling sux.

feeling slightly better today.
it feels good to be normal i guess. to think normally also.
to think that you dont have to be the best, coz you are just an ordinary person.dont needa be afraid of losing, cause there is nothing to lose in the first place.
i feel peaceful for few moments, before i remember why i need to stand out, and think of the consequences of not being the best, plainly cause being the best u will get all the best things. and i want it.
perhaps its really fine to be normal. perhaps thats the way it should be to make me feel better, to stop me from sinking deeper. i just need to be normal.

hope my negativeness dont set in into this peace that i feel.
jus a twist, being normal will be being ivisible, and i will always be forgotten.

i miss you baby, really.

finally see baby after his first book in after posting.
a week was like hell for him. i felt that.it was hell for me as well.
so many emotions inside him.
struggling to stay strong cause i asked him to do so.
breaking down from inside him, emotionally.
finding ways to grab hold to the very last hope.
it hurts to see him this way.
i cant do anything.

hugging him, kissing him, feeling how he feels and unable to do anything. i really dk how am i gona take it.
he hides, he smile, he escapes, trying to get rid of it.
will it really work?
feels so helpless and hopeless

adding on to baby's issue, my studies.
i simply cant get things right.
dance is getting busy recently.
idk whether i can take it or not, my negativeness is gona drown me.
i really hope that all this can change me to a more positive person.
but how?
baby's suffering, stuck with studies, my inferiority.

its bad news for my baby, which is also bad news for me.
i feel so lost now. have no idea how to help him.
baby's posting result came out on friday. guess it was a blow to him.
idk much about ns stuff. but from what he say, its tough.
it hurts me to see his life to be so fucked up.
he didn get to enjoyed life.
lady luck was never really by his side.

baby had been trying to hide how he feels.
it hurts me to see him like that.
what should i do? or what can u actually do? im really lost. i was never on the correct path for a start. plus this thing going on.
it hurts to see the way that he is heading to. it even more heart breaking, to see how he might become.
there's this posibility that he will change, not a good change. its not that i dont believe him.
there's negativity in him these days. idk how long can he carry on with his theory and positiveness.

this obstacle, will he be able to overcome? what path will he choose? what should i do?
what i can do now is to wait, to bet on hope.

pool with amanda,her bf and jas.
had great time .
although th lunch thingy was kinda messy.make me feel lik erupting. but it was fine in the end.
was super hyper at first. maybe coz gt " new person" or maybe jus tat i very long nvr go out alr.
the end of th day bit sian. coz needa go home alr. feels sad somehow.

kinda quarrel with baby abit. shockingly over amanda bf stuff. bt was fine in the end. talking to amanda on msn now makes me feel how much i actually miss my dear. makes me feel lik crying somehow.

how i wished u were by my side. it will be great.
tons of homework undone.
im stress. ~.~ but i really dk how to do. kinda start worrying for my A's.
im 18 tis yr. wad had i achieved. can say nothing at all.
feel tat im a failure.
the future is still the same uncertain to me. no goals no nothing
what i feel is th whole chunk of negativity in me, growing each day.
once in a while it's gone. but it'll come back. perhaps if u were here it will be slightly better. idk. i dont wanna think about anything. my head is hurting =(

time for bed i guess.
Baby, where's my bed time story.

im very de boredddd. cant finish hmw >< but i srsly dont feel lik doing anything
jus wanna sleep sleep sleep. life is really very de bored without you.
i know it wont get any better. what to do?
actually there's nth. all i can do is study non stop. that's what im suppose to do. but i really dont feel lik doing at all.
really feel lik throwing away everything. or burn it. then dont needa see them alr.
today is a very de boring daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy. ARHHHHHHHHHHH
whole day other than books got nothing to do. how boring can it gets?
dk shld i go out later or nt.hmmm...but also dk do what.
dont feel lik staying home =(
life now is soooooooo boring.

its another night again.
i dont wanna sleep. at the same time i want to.
i dont wanna stay awake and think of so much things.
i dont wanna sleep as it's another cycle again after waking up.
kinda cried a bit today.
at interchange with baby.on mrt. even cried while smiling.
baby u asked whether i felt sad. my answer is yes. just that i dont wanna say that. dont wanna let you worry more. i dont wanna make u feel helpless. i also dk how to help myself alr.

somehow i think im gona be crazy.
i dont wanna study. really hao bu xiang yao.
but still have to. no matter how much i say.
sometimes i wanna die just coz i dont wanna study. yea it seems stupid. but it will all end, wont it?